flaws...are our strengths

There are some days when you just need to take a breath…and let it go. Today is one of those days for me.  I even went and walked the labyrinth, not that the benefits lasted very long. I never thought I would enjoy walking the labyrinth, something that is monotonous and takes up a good deal of time.  The one at the UT gardens doesn’t take a long time, however it is monotonous.  I have found peace in the monotony of the task. Just breathing in for four counts and out for four counts.  Before you know it you are in the middle and then again you are where you started.  There is something incredibly peaceful about the process somehow.

I think I may be antsy because I know my boyfriend is traveling and without clear cell phone reception. I never know when or if he is going to call. It also could have something to do with the fact that we now fight Every time we talk to each other.  Most of that is my doing and I’m ok with it. A famous woman said “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” Audrey Hepburn. I believe this. If he can’t handle a mess that he created and talk to me about it, then he doesn’t deserve to have me in the first place.  I said I would never be the girl who stayed with a guy who continually fucked up.  Well, I guess right now I am that girl.  My boyfriend has no idea what he wants other than it may not be me.  He says he wants me and then turns around and says he doesn’t know if the life that I have in mind for myself fits into his dream life. You chose me dude. You told me you wanted to marry me, have kids with me.  How can I believe anymore that the things you have said are just because you think its what I want to hear and will keep me in your bed? I don’t get it. Not at all. He says I’m putting all the blame on him…I know my flaws…

1.   I have to be right, all the time

2.   I am ambitious in my choice of career.

3.   I feel the need to “fix” people

4.   I need to feel connected to my partner (holy shit it’s a crime!)

5.   I am high maintenance when I’m not with my partner

6.   My top priority right now is my education

7.   I have a very hard time forgiving.

8.   My feelings can be easily hurt by my partner

9.   My heart and head are connected; I cannot separate the two.

10.  I love being with people. I find them incredibly interesting and that everyone has value

11.  I’m anti- racism, sexism, pretty much any –ism, and I judge people hardcore who are racist, sexist etc

12.  If you fucked me over in the past, don’t expect me to be pleasant to you

13.  I like to dress to impress myself. I want to feel good about myself and how I look

14. I have a temper and once it gets going, it’s hard to stop

15.  I judge people who drink in excess, smoke, speed excessively, do drugs, beat their spouses/children, verbally abuse others, etc.

16.  Communication is key

17.  I hold things in and then blow a gasket

18.  I get upset for no reason

19.  I try to fix things on my own

20. I don’t like being touched while I sleep especially my feet

21.  The only time you have the right to tell me what to do is in bed

22. I have trouble sharing

23. I believe in equality in all things- money, jobs, happiness, education, marriage, childcare, housework, etc

See?  I have flaws just like everyone else. And I can admit to them. So there! Suck it! However, these things are also what make me so strong. I don’t forgive easily. I believe in equality. these things make me strong and are a big part of who I am. 

AASP is next week!  I am so incredibly excited.. I will hopefully almost be to my aunt’s house at this time next week. I love Aasp. It is a wonderful time and it fills me with even more love for my chosen profession.

Then I get to see my boyfriend the next week. It’s weird to think that I will get to see him, my kids, my littles’, Cassie, Ally, and my family.  It has been quite a while since I have seen any of them.  It will have been six and a half weeks since I have seen David or my family or Cassandra. Longer than that since I’ve seen ally.  Much longer since I’ve seen either of my littles or my kids. That’s not even a full sentence I just realized. Lol.

My favorite show, NCIS, is on right now, but since I do not have cable, I will have to wait until later tonight, or tomorrow to watch it. That’s ok though.  It will be a good break from working on homework all day tomorrow. 

Hope you like the font :)

B-