A woman's role in a relationship

I go on Pinterest to look for cute relationship ideas, we have an anniversary coming up, and I'm appalled by the lack of women willing to say that they are equals in their relationship.  I'm appalled that these women who have blogs and business's are not willing to say they are equal to their spouses.  We don't live in the 1950's anymore.

 These are actual pins on relationship boards:
-How to Empower your husband to be the head of your home
-5 secrets to supporting your husband when he's down and out
-Five ways to speak love to your man
-Letting our husbands lead when we love control
- How to put your spouse first(centered on how to put your husband first)
-4 reasons a wife should speak well of her husband

Everyone in the relationship is important and equal in importance. EQUALS. Whether you are man and woman, man and man, woman and woman or any variety of human physical body parts that love another set of human physical body parts: stand up for yourself and be an equal in your relationship. . You are both equals.

There is no always listen to your husband/boyfriend if he does not extend the same to you.
There is no go out of your way to make life easier for her, if she does not do the same for you.
Both of you do the parenting.
Both of you do the laundry.
Both of you take out the trash.
Both of you do the dishes.
Both of you do yard work.
Both of you pay the bills.
It is about patience and sacrifice on BOTH of your parts.
You are there to support and love each other.

Relationships are hard. Marriages are hard.  Do not ever put yourself as not equal to your partner. That is where relationships fail.

I'm sick of women being subservient to their husbands. You are just as smart, strong, and capable as your spouse. Both men and women. You are equals working together for a strong foundation. You both have strengths and weakness's. Utilize each other's strengths and mitigate weakness's. If you know your boyfriend isn't the best at giving compliments when you change your hair: get those compliments from your girlfriends. If your girlfriend just isn't as into baseball as you are: watch it with your buddies. Don't get upset at your spouse for being something they are not or not liking something as much as you do.

Basic relationship advice for all:
Be kind.
Be respectful of the other person's opinions and wishes.
Help your spouse whenever you can.
Lift them up when they are down
Be supportive of them.
Speak well of them to others.
Keep your relationship private. No one else needs to know your problems. Those are between you and yours spouse.

 It does not mean being their servant or letting them walk all over you. Stand up for your damn self and act like a lady or man. EQUALS people. A woman's role in a relationship is equal to a man's. You are both responsible for the success of your relationship.  We all need to lift each other up, not tear each other down.  It's our responsibility to help each other be better in our relationships by lifting each other up.

Curses are really blessings at inopportune times

Sometimes curses are blessings at really inopportune times.

So for the last 3 weeks we have been worried about moving. Our last apartment decided to not renew our lease due to the fact that our apartment keeps flooding every time it rains on the window: and each time we expect them to fix it: which they sort of do. Mind you: my spouse is a water restoration tech, so we are well aware that they are breaking a BUNCH of laws in our city by NOT doing it properly. Anyhow, we got the notice Sept 2nd.

So I spent the next week and a half frantically searching for a place that was in our budget and would accept our 70 lb bulldog(who thinks he weighs 25 lbs). I called 200 apartment complex's. The market in Colorado Springs, for apartments has shot up 200% in the past 6 months. That's insane! The area where we were living(not a nice area mind you) was increasing their rent to a level that was unheard of. After looking and looking and worrying that we wouldn't find something in time, there was a light in the tunnel.  We found a place. It was perfect. It accepted dogs(after meeting them), was individually owned and was ready to be moved into. We put in our application: they only accept one applicant at a time.  We were accepted, paid all the necessary fee's, and moved in this weekend with the help of a friend.

I have barely sniffed or sneezed this weekend. Unsurprisingly the only times I sniffed and sneezed, were when we went back to the old apartment to get stuff. Our new apartment is as allergen free as I can hope.  We have wonderful, sweet neighbors, a park across the street, open space within .5 miles of the apartment, a wood burning fireplace, a washer and dryer, and a dishwasher. We are in heaven.

Happy Monday Everyone!

About the ESPY's 2016

I have two things to say about the ESPY's 2016.

1.  My boyfriend asked me tonight why there are so many moments that make you cry in the ESPY's. Here's the reason. Sports are our escape from the issues in our lives, but once a year we get to remember why sports are so important to us: because they let us take a break from the issues at hand. Now is the time to use sports to help tackle the issues we face as a society. Lives continue regardless of the outcome of a sporting event.  The issues we face right now will not continue regardless, they will escalate. Changes need to be made and everyone needs to be a part of the conversation. Athletes, as members of the media, have the unique opportunity to spread peace and change. I can only hope that tonight that message has been made more apparent. It starts with each and every one of us. Be a good human. We have to start making things unacceptable: crime, drugs, companies lying to their consumers etc. We have to make it possible for children to attend school without being afraid for their lives. Education and tolerance are key to improving the lives of everyone in our country.

2. Cancer is treatable without poison. It's treatable and curable without chemo and radiation. Please before you let your doctor pump you full of poison, do your research. There are multiple herbs that cure cancer.  Everyone should have access to marijuana as medicine: it is a proven treatment and cure for numerous disorders and diseases. Please remember to treat those who use marijuana as a treatment the same as you would treat someone using any other treatment option.

A Championship: from the girlfriend of a Die-Hard Cleveland Fan

I'm the girlfriend of a Die-Hard Cleveland Fan. Since we started dating 4 years ago, all I've heard about is the Curse. The fact that with having 3 major league sports teams(Browns, Cavaliers, Indians): Cleveland hasn't won a championship in 52 years. Cleveland has a Die-Hard fan base. Each year they cheer and cheer only to be eternally disappointed.

That ended last night. The Cavaliers finally won a championship. As a sport psychology consultant there is so much I could say about the game and the followups: but all that matters to me today is that Cleveland won a championship. Tomorrow I can talk about everything else. Today: Cleveland has won a championship.

The last 5 minutes of that game were some of the tensest of our relationship. I sat on the couch with my head on my hands(with a severely strained wrist and an ice pack) watching the seconds tick down and the score go up and down. David was standing inches from me staring at the TV as if he stared at it harder the Cav's would suddenly play harder. It seems they heard him. The seconds ticked down slowly and then somehow it all sped up and the Cavaliers had won. David looked at me and I had tears in my eyes. For 4 years I've watched this man root for teams that couldn't hold up to his hope. I'd watched his father and friends be disappointed year after year. I am the girlfriend of a Die-Hard Cleveland fan and last night I cried for Cleveland. I cried for all the disappointments and heartbreak that led him and them to this moment. This moment of happy tears and celebration.

I don't know if I've ever been this happy for someone else's team or city. I can't call Cleveland my own as I only lived there for a few months with him before we moved. But as a girlfriend of a Die-Hard Cleveland fan: I now know the joy that finally having a championship for your city means. Congratulations Cleveland Cavaliers, Cleveland Fans, and the City of Cleveland: you have your pro-championship.

To Cleveland and Cleveland Fans: Please don't forget about your semi-pro hockey team that just a week and a half ago brought Cleveland a championship as well. Without them: you may not have had the support you did this week. They broke the curse and brought your luck back.

Congrats babe: the Curse is broken.

<3 Bethany

Kratom: a natural pain killing alternative

I guess I'm one of those crazy people now: the people pissed at the government for trying to ban a plant from being used for medicinal purposes. Today we are talking about Kratom: it's made from a plant. It's being used as an alternative to pharmaceutical pain killers by people who don't want to be addicted to vicodin, percocet, and other heavy opiates. Yes, Kratom is an opiate.  Now we have states banning the use of this because it might be addicting.

Lets talk about things that are addicting that the FDA has cleared:
1. Cigarettes
2. Soda Pop
3. EVERY OPIATE MEDICATION

But if the FDA/ States banned those there would be an uproar and a huge lack of funding from pharmaceutical corporations,  tobacco makers, and big corporations in Washington.

I use Kratom. I was prescribed Vicodin at the age of 18 because my periods were so painful, I couldn't attend classes. I was on those from 18-25. I still have an active prescription but don't need it anymore. I started taking Kratom last year when I found out about it at a smoke shop in my hometown. I had a long talk with the salesperson and then came home and did my research. What did I find? Tons of studies saying how Kratom is an amazing alternative to pharmacueticals and how it can be used to help those with addiction to heavy opiates reduce their need and frequency of use.  I pay $10 for 30 vicodin, but I happily pay $1 a pill for Kratom. When I take it, there are no side effects. I don't get woozy or disoriented. I can drive, work, continue my day like normal.

Our government banned marijuana: knowing full well that it cured cancer and helped control a number of other conditions. Our government knows full well that cigarettes and soda cause cancer and obesity. They know full well that pharmaceutical medications are highly addictive on both a physical and psychological level, but will not put a ban on them.

Kratom comes from a plant people! But our government isn't the first to ban it. It was banned in Thailand because it cut into the government's take of opium sales. People were using Kratom instead to cut their addiction to opium.

WAKE UP AMERICA! Stop letting the government, politicians, and big corporations determine what is acceptable and not acceptable to put in our bodies(lets just be logical: some things don't need to go in your body). Plants were the original medicines of the world. Our biggest problems started when we stopped using plants and instead made synthetic versions of medicines to replace them.

Kratom has helped me, and so many others to live without crazy side effects from pharmaceutical medications.

Please let your congresspeople, senators, local politicians, and even your doctors know that Kratom is a wonderful alternative. Before we let them take away a plant: they need to do as much research on Kratom as they have on marijuana(which is now legal in most states medicinally), and do as many clinical trials as for any other drug on the marketplace. If we're going to be fair about it, do the damn clinical trials, make it go through FDA approval. People won't stop using it regardless, but at least the FDA will have to create proof to ban it. If they want to put it in the same category as MMJ that's fine: make people have an honest talk with a doctor about their need for it. But if you're going to do that: you should do it for tylenol, advil, and Aleve as well(they are proven addictive).

Before you jump on your high horse, do your research like I did.

Here is the CNN article that talks about Kratom.
http://www.cnn.com/2016/06/10/health/kratom-opioid-withdrawal-pain-relief-supplement/index.html

An assault on us all

This is an assault on us all. What happened to an unconscious young woman and was witnessed by two men on bicycles happened to all of us.  This happened to all of us. We were the woman behind the dumpster, we were the rapist, we were the bystanders. We were one or all of these people consecutively. 

Here's what you need to know. 

Unconscious is not consent. 

If you are too drunk to function, you can't give consent. 

The system failed this woman: meaning the system failed all of us. 

No media outlet mentioned her accomplishments, but they mentioned her rapist's accomplishments.

His sentence was 4-10 years more lenient than if she had been raped by a man who wasn't white. 

The two men who chased him down are heroes. Don't be a bystander to any kind of assault. 

Things that happened afterwards:

 We started talking about rape and consent and skin color being a deciding factor on someone's sentence.- Finally 

 USA Swimming came out and banned the rapist from ever competing again.  -Good job

This happened to all of us. 1 in 5 women are sexually assaulted in their life span. The statistics for men are lower because they report less. The real statistics for women are much higher than that because of lack of reporting.  It should not matter if alcohol played a factor or a person's age, race, what they were wearing etc. There is no such thing as "asking for it". You either gave consent in a conscious and uninhibited state of mind or you didn't. Consent is consent. Rape is Rape. Keep the conversation going. Don't be a bystander to any kind of assault. The legal system failed us. The media failed us. It's time for us to stand up and do something about it. 

Ultramarathons and Edibles?

This morning I read an article I never expected to be written, let alone for me to have an interest reading it. As an SPC(sport psychology consultant), this article and others like it should be a part of curriculum in graduate school for a few reasons. 1. You as a practitioner need to know where you stand on the issue of marijuana as a performance enhancing drug 2. Ultra-marathons are becoming more popular and you will probably work with an endurance athlete at some point in your career. 3. You need to be exposed to things like this so when they are brought up during session you aren't completely taken off guard.

Let me give you some clarity. I live and work in Colorado, a medicinally and recreationally legal state for marijuana and I'm still thrown off by how many athletes use it for recovery. I also work part time in the hemp industry(marijuana's legal cousin).  I've never heard of it being used in training before. That being said: this guy probably isn't the only athlete using it for training purposes and that's something we all need to be aware of.

The other interesting thing here is that an athlete is being sponsored by prominent marijuana edibles companies and this guy(that we know of) hasn't been denied entry into competitions because of it. I think that although this could be a step in the right direction for companies and competitions: more stringent rules need to be applied to whether an athlete is using for medicinal purposes(recovery, anxiety etc) and get a red card like everyone else or using recreationally: and whether there needs to be more testing in ultra contests for performance enhancing drugs.

Check it out:
https://www.whaxy.com/learn/how-athletes-use-cannabis

Miss USA...thoughts

I watch Miss USA every year. Each year I hope to see strong, confidently beautiful women. Each year I'm both surprised and disappointed. Each year I hope that it will be less a beauty contest and more a contest about a woman's selflessness and mind. I think this may be the first year where I have seen this occur.

1. Thank you Miss USA officials for not putting any women in the top 10 that had fake breasts. I understand that it is a woman's right to choose to go under the knife: but what message does that send young women everywhere who are struggling with their small/ large breasts? One that the only way to be a perfect Miss USA is to go under the knife? So thank you for that.

2. Thank you for asking relevant questions that you tailored to each contestant: kind of. Miss Alabama got a sports question: but didn't know anything about Muhammed Ali: and that's ok. She tried to give a diplomatic answer and I applaud her for it. Maybe a question about the upcoming olympics would have been more appropriate? Economic inequality is an issue everywhere: not just in California: but the contestant struggled with an eating disorder: maybe her question should have been tailored towards how we address mental illness in our communities? She flubbed her question big time. Maybe it was nerves. Maybe it was that she hasn't really thought about it in a deep fashion. Either way: it made her and all the other contestants look bad. Lets move on to the question for Miss Hawaii: 1. She didn't answer who she would vote for. She is not a politician. Why did she get the question guaranteed to basically start a riot? And it's illegal to ask someone who they are voting for on a national platform if they are not a politician. That's discrimination. She may have lost Miss USA for that reason. Finally: the question for Miss District of Columbia could not have been more tailored to her. It was the perfect question for her to give the perfect response. And her response was perfect.

3. Thank you for crowning a Miss USA who embodies service and service to our nation. I think she will be a wonderful ambassador.

4. I ask that in the next few years: we have women from not only diverse cultural and ethnic backgrounds: but women who show the beauty of different sizes. Having a "plus size" model backstage : shows that you don't think she would have been respected hosting because she is plus size. It may not have been your aim: but from most people's stand points: it looks bad. Lets try to diversify a little more from girls with perfect busts, tiny waists, and perfect butts: to women who are confidently strong and beautiful.

5. Please take into account the message you send to women everywhere. The only way to be Miss USA is to be perfect. It is a mindset of service, physical health and mental toughness. If you would also focus on mental health: as it seems quite a few of your contestants may struggle with mental health disorders.

You DON'T need a PHD

. 

I am a person without a PHD. In my line of work, I don’t necessarily need one. Do i need a strong understanding of psychology? yes. Do I need to be able to treat mental illness? No. That’s what psychiatrists are for. I don’t need a PHD in clinical psychology to help my athletes and friends be better performers. My job is not to treat or diagnose mental illness. Am I aware of the signs? Yes. Do i keep up on the research? Yes. 

You can be extremely well educated in a variety of subjects without ever leaving your home. You can learn significant amounts from typing what your interested in into google and google scholar and then reaching out to the people who wrote the books/ studies in those areas. Some are happy to discuss with you. Some are not. 

I don’t need a PHD to help my clients. I don’t need a PHD to help someone who is struggling. If there is a discernible mental illness or signs, I always point them in the direction of a licensed practitioner. But, to tell me that I need a PHD in order to work with my clients, that’s delusional. 

I’m a sport psychology consultant, not a psychiatrist. There are plenty of people out there who’s goal it is to help treat people with mental illness, I’m not one of them. I help healthy people develop strong goals and coping skills to make them better athletes, parents, performers, and students. 

Do you need an education in the field in which you work? Yes. I did my education. 6 yrs worth in 5 years(because I’m an overachiever).I have the experience and the education to show that I know what I’m doing.   

There are a lot of people out there who claim to be “life coaches”. When I hear life coach all I can see is the 15 year old girl on Royal Caribbean who gave me her card that said “life coach” on it. For goodness sakes, you’re 15 years old, what kind of a life coach can you be? Life coach is like “nu-chuck-chuck dojo’s(people who just make stuff up).  We have real "life coaches", they are called career-counselors, clinical psychologists, licensed mental health professionals, and psychiatrists. These are people who went and got the education and experience necessary to help those who need “life coaching”.  Practicing “life-coaching” without a license from the state and the education necessary: is illegal. 

 You do not need a PHD in order to be extremely knowledgable in your field. Unless you want to teach that subject in college or want to do research: there is no reason to get one. 

Be aware that people without a PHD can be just as knowledgeable about a subject as someone with a PHD in that area. The letters after someone’s name and even on their resume, don’t necessarily mean they are competent or are not competent. Trust, but verify. 

Don’t tell me I need a PHD to be competent and professional. That is not the case. And likely, neither do you. 

Happy Wednesday!

Fear is a Strong Motivator

School shooting is a nasty word. It brings with it fear, sadness, anger, and relief. Fear for the students, teachers, first responders, and parents. Sadness for the students who are hurt or dead and their families. Anger that this happened again, despite the funding and education flooding the system(or not). Relief that your child or your friend's children are safe.  Fear is the common component of school shootings.

Today this hit even closer to home when a friend of mine's daughter, age 6, was put on lockdown for a school shooting that happened in Madison, OH. She does not go to the district in question.  The surrounding school districts were put on lockdown following the school shooting. This led to a student in another district coming forward to say that he/she knew of someone with a gun in their school. Fear is a strong motivator. Knowing that a school shooting happened so close to them, this student came forward and reported another student for having a gun. Had the school not gone into lockdown, the student may never have come forward. There could have been 2 school shootings in a 20 mile radius today, but because school districts close to the shooting took the step to lock down their schools as well, one shooting did not happen. Good job school districts!

There is one reason a student brings a gun to school: FEAR. Fear is one of the strongest motivators known to humans. Students bring guns to school for 2 reasons: because of fear for their own safety and fear driving retaliation. A student should never have to bring a gun to school for fear of their own safety. A student should never have to bring a gun to school to retaliate against another person.

Maybe we need to stop teaching to a test to please state representatives and senators. Maybe we should start spending time teaching our kids life lessons. There has been a steep rise in school shootings in the past 15 years.  There has to be a way for us to educate students, schools, districts, and parents.

I'm pro-gun. I am a gun owner myself. I got properly trained and my gun is in a locked gun-safe. The only people with access to it are myself and my boyfriend. Our gun is for protection. It is not a toy.  Guns are not toys. They are a protection method that should only be used in the most dire of circumstances.  Colorado has more Conceal to Carry permits than any other state, and we are an open carry state! Guns are for protection. They are not toys. Our children will grow up with a healthy respect for guns, but they won't know the combination to the gun safe or even know where it is.

Ideally I want my children to grow up in a place where gun violence does not occur.  I don't want to be worried about my child while they are at school. School should be a safe zone for learning and development of social skills, not a place of death and misery.

Fear is the strongest motivator known to us.  #EndGunViolence #Teachthem #fear #schoolshooting

6 tips for dealing with a sexist asshat + 6 tips for when you are the asshat

There comes a point in every woman's life where she realizes the world isn't fair. I'm not writing this to bitch about how being a woman sucks.  I'm writing this to show that people don't often realize that they are doing something to make someone else uncomfortable without being confronted about it.

This is hardly the first time I've had to deal with sexism in the workplace. In my first "big kid" job the owner of the company had the audacity to tell the 3 female managers that he didn't believe 3 women could run the company without male help.  Because THAT'S a culture every woman wants to be in.

Unlike the previous example, where it was blatant sexism, often people(men and women) don't realize that they are doing something that makes someone else uncomfortable. Basic respect and decency towards others are commodities not often seen in the workplace regardless of company policies. If you wouldn't say that to your mother/father, don't say it to a coworker.

But how do you address a problem with a coworker who makes you feel uncomfortable or inferior?

6 tips for dealing with an asshat

1. Talk to someone outside the situation about it. Call your parents or a friend and let them know about the situation. Could your conversation or the situation have been misconstrued?
2. Talk to your manager. Part of their job is helping manage tricky situations. The other part of their job is making sure you and your concerns are taken seriously.
3. Talk to the person one on one or with your manager present if it makes you more comfortable. Let them know what you took from the situation and why it offended you. Do not accuse. Be matter of fact. Try not to get emotional about it. Do not excuse their actions.
4. Work with your manager or HR to develop a company culture where certain behaviors are unacceptable. No one should feel uncomfortable or inferior at work because of what sex they are born.
5. Do not talk about it with other coworkers: this is between you, the other person, and your manager/HR. No one else needs to know.
6. If the situation is not handled in an appropriate manner: get legal counsel. Everyone in the workplace has basic rights and if yours are being violated: get help.

Sometimes people just don't realize they are offending or hurting someone else. People can be callous and insensitive towards others feelings and beliefs. We are all guilty of it, myself included. Since you are an adult, handle the situation like one.


Let's be realistic for a moment, as a woman I say things that are sexist and could make a man uncomfortable.  They don't need or want to hear about my period or about the bullying I experienced as a young woman.  They just don't need to know.  It would likely make them uncomfortable, in the same way that hearing about their latest conquest or how much of a slut she was makes me uncomfortable. I don't like hearing my sex be disrespected and I doubt men do either. Sexism goes both ways.

6 tips for when you are the asshat

1. When the person comes to talk to you...LISTEN.
2. Apologize if that is necessary, explain yourself regardless.
3. If you were an asshat, say so.
4. Try to be more appropriate in the future.
5. Don't go gossiping about it. The person came to you to resolve the problem, thank them for being an adult and act like one yourself.
6. If there was not a manager involved, document the situation for your own records.

So there you go, be an adult: regardless of other people's bad behavior. They might be a sexist asshat and sometimes you might be the sexist asshat. Try not to for everyone's sake.

The writing process

I've always wanted to write a book. I've had many good ideas, but with all the books out there already, I couldn't justify adding mine to the mix, until now.

I'm continually asked by clients to write something that's me, instead of the research. The research is all well and good, but without the person behind it, it's meaningless. Stories sell right? The reasons people buy weight loss pills, miracle cures for cancer, and even therapy: is because of stories. The people who have been helped by these things tell their story. My story isn't crazy, there are very few bumps in my road, but it's time to add my story and my 2 cents as to why certain things are important to me.

The writing process isn't easy. I don't know how my favorite authors can crank out two 500+ page books a year. I have stories of myself and others, the research, and just general advice to add to this book. I want it to be accessible and an easy read. Research books are hard to read, make it hard to grasp the concepts, and are typically very dry. I want a book that can combine the research with methods that work in an easy way to really help people be better. We all want to be better people. We want to devote more time to our family, help our kids succeed, and make our work more productive.  I hope that this book will help everyone, myself included to do that.  

Writing itself is a lot more difficult than writers make it out to be. Books don't write themselves. You have to actually sit down and write. Crazy right? It's more than that though. Free writing is good, but doesn't get everything out there. It doesn't work with research. It's definitely a process. A slow, complicated process. 

Wish me luck. 

Cleanses Effective or No?

Are cleanses effective or not?

I keep hearing about cleanses; Juice cleanses soup cleanses, heavy metal cleanses, radiation cleanses. I'm still not sure about cleanses that are meant to clean your body of radiation or heavy metals, but after long discussions with friends in the nutrition world, I have to take a stance on food cleanses. Don't do them unless prescribed by a nutritionist to treat a specific condition. The regular person does not need these to lose weight or kickstart their system.

If you only get to drink or eat one food/ food group, you are probably missing out on necessary nutrients and this can cause your body to freak out. The results of these cleanses are often immediate but short lived. You lost 5 pounds in 3 days, but afterwards you ate 3 pieces of cheesecake and a 20 oz steak to celebrate. 3 days later the five lbs are back. If you have the ability to avoid doing a cleanse, please do so. If you are going to do a cleanse, do so under a nutritionist's guidance.

For even better results remember the simple things: eat lots of proteins, fruits, vegetables, eat less processed food, drink lots of water, and get 30 minutes of moderate exercise a day.